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Thursday, December 27, 2007
ok, this has been on my mind since quite long ago, but i nv blog it out coz i dun wan ppl getting the wrong ideal. but i am gonna blog it now coz i was thinkin abt it on the bus n i am damn sian by it lo. I realised i am not the kind of friend who can commit alot. i mean, i know it but i nv say it out loud. I dun have the time to commit. i dun even dare ask ppl out coz i know i cant always go out w em. I know ppl will think, really so HARD MEH? yah, its quite hard. I have a niece i need to tk care of, and my niece is there FOREVER until the day she grows up and no longer need an adult supervising her, til then, i cant just dun care. She is there everyday, emily n me have to tk turns to go out just so that we make sure someone is taking care of her. u think wat, 1 day tk care n the rest of my life i am free? and on weekends i have to rotate with emily coz desrina can only tk one weekend off. and if its not the sch holidays, there is hw and spelling to teach. just my niece is enuff of a family commitment already. then i dun need to rest? housework? ot? i am not grumbling but i think some ppl dun understand lo. frustrating. I have ppl telling me that I am always not joining them, not going out with them for outings n all, from friends to colleagues. practically everyone. i dun think anyone really understand. I try my best to balance out the number of outings with friends and it ends up that everyone finds it not enuff. the friends i meet the most often is the gers, coz they r the onez that will ask me out but not nag at me for not joining them on other outings. and they dun force me to meet them either. i guess maybe i still dun meet them as often as they wld like, but they r considered the friends i spend the most time with. and they make me glad to have them ard. and then i have a bf, is it alot to ask to meet ur bf twice a week? i dun think so rite? in fact i think it is the rite amt lo. i am happy that we have found this balance of just meeting when we feel like, and no, not like wat everyone think, i dun meet him everyday. i noe saying all this is like i am self centered but i feel like i am gonna choke on all this frustration if i dun say it out now. like i think abt my poly mates, EVERY outing they will say i always dun meet them, and the last time we meet,purposely drop obvious hints say must have the next outing. DUN make me promise something that i cant promise. i feel its like so deliberate and forced that i am so unhappy when i left. i am not the kind can meet all the time, i dun understand why must deliberately wan me to be there, if wanna meet so much, can always go ahead then ask if i wanna come along. isnt that wat ppl do? why must like, so gu yi one lo. u noe i am like this but must purposely make me feel even more shitty? does ppl think i like to get comments like, aiyah u always dun come, always meet ur bf la, so busy meh, etc. does anyone truly believes that by saying all that it will make me feel good and wanna meet more? i will if i can wat, why cant ppl believe? u think i like hearing all this n getting frustrated and irritated? if i didn't try, i think i deserved it. but if i make time n still get shit, then i think wth lo. u think i find it fun to rush hm on christmas eve coz the childcare closes at 2pm? u think i find it really heart warming that all other young ppl gets to hang out with friends n bfs and i get to rush hm? THINK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am not targeting anyone now, but recently, really alot of ppl telling me all this. and got other factors la, like i will think how come i dun have as much freedom as other ppl all this. i wanna be free too. but i cant. and recalling all the comments, not a v nice feeling lo. cannot tahan anymore, i dun need ppl telling me things that make me feels even worse.. then when ppl tok abt going abroad tog, i cant say much, coz i cant. no money. and i think my mum will feel abit wat la, like i go holiday when her wish is whole family go overseas. she didn;t wanna follow me to thailand is when she found out i am going to the beach and the ntuc was breathing down her throat. and i can bring my mum along la, but that is if i save up til i can pay for her as well lo, savy? its not as easy as it sounds. even 100 dollars is like a tyre now. can use it for new yr stuff. aiyah, watever la. i think the more i say, the harder it becomes to understand what i am trying to sa. i just neet to whine and let out all these frustration la, maybe pms too. i am gonna sleep now. rose |
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