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Saturday, January 29, 2005
i'm at home now. hmm, supposely everypne in class shld be having fun ba? while i'm here. hmm, just decided not to go. but tempted to. -_-" thats me. but well, no one understands anyway. anyway, got alot of things to do. the housework is stack til dunnoe where, and mum is asking us to tidy up since new yr is coming, so gotta really make the place real neat n so on. especially my room, so damn messy! my things are everywhere, n i mean everywhere, especially on the floor. -_-" think emily will go crazy if i continue ba? so, gotta use a few hrs to clean up. then, gotta babysit nana. i can bring her along but its gonna be abitd difficult ah. plus she din recover fully so, hmmm, bring her there she surly run here n there n i'd probably scream at her n feel guilty later. so, hmmm, better not ba. and my mood not really gd. hmmm, tok to dennis just now...i dunnoe, just..hmmm the conversation din go well lah. i dunnoe why also but, i just dunnoe what to think n everything. hmmm...somethings, u really gotta think far, and when u dun, u end up not knowing what u r doing, whther u shld be doing. as for me, i aim to follow my heart n do things. but i guess, it cant really work that way as well. certain things u aim for, but attaining it is another story. i dunnoe, i just need some time to think. after the phone call i just rest, nap on the bed for abt 2 hrs. so gotta really buck up now. the sleep din make me think better anyway. -_-" and yesterday when i say things r peaceful, that mite prove to be bullshit after all. i msg hz just now to say i am not going. guess what. me: hey, i'm not going today. Sorry... hz: how come leh.... me: at first wanted to...but now, some things on my mind. quite moddy... need to bring nana also. no money also. help me tell sorry to the rest. hz: .....nvm then i'm like, what? there is like so much irritation loh. better? riteeee.... haha. dun make me luff. i can dream on to having harmony. dun get ppl. i tot he is more understanding than that but oh well, he wans to live life that way, go ahead. the way i see it, its drowning of sorrow. but thats my point of view. i still consider hima gd friend, well, single sided. but its ok. i'm true to myself. dennis ask me some questions just now, that i really dunnoe how to answer. and, i dunnoe, just thinking abt it got me confuse again. but, i gotta trust my feelings. i hurt him deeply. nothing's gonna change that fact. i'm a gf who had betrayed him. thats wat it is. no matter how he try to phrase it. thats the fact. i noe he do think that way, frm "remember my position" i noe that. i wanna be there as a friend but am i being fair to him? he cares for me. but like he say, love n hate is only a thin line. he can hate me. he got all the right to do that. we try to be really gd friends but, i dunnoe, its too hard on him already. i shld noe better than pit him thru all this. i'm moving on, i want the same for u as well. i noe u wan to be there for me, but its really really tough. weird, things goes well for a awhile n then everything goes downhill again. its like climbing up a slide, finally u struggle up, and when u think u climb well, u slide n go down once again. and this time, u feel like, why am i struggling to climb up when i mite just slide down again? but at the bottom there, i noe someone will be there to catch me. Saf will be there. he had been really patient with me. i appreciate that, someone so tempremental like me. on off on off. sucks man. when can i be trult true to myself? rose |
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