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Wednesday, December 29, 2004
wanted to do digitising. think i wasted my time, the junoirs are all outside, taking up all the space. and i realise, i cant digitise coz i seem to digitise everything to the local drive! AHHHH!!! and i cant do anything coz its so sqeezy! i am already like walking ard too many times! -_-" maybe i shld go blk L, get the camera and charge it or something. but i think cannot borrow out too long one, shit. -_-" i tot can borrow overnite, so i'm screwed now. haha. hmmm, tmlo is the thing n i dun have a camera. think i am too last min already. die die die. still need to like tranfer the pics also. hmmm, screwed... maybe i shld just skip the lesson :D rite, i wun do that one. my mum pay so much for me to go to sch. shit shity shit. how? oh yah, i wrote my docu report already. i like it. wahahah~ but i feel like cursing bush in my report but hai~ it wun be relevant to the report. so i just add alittle at the back lah. wahahahaah. nv write this type of report before so it kinda rocks when u can risk writing certain stuff. coz they cant blame u for things u dun noe rite? i'm bored. i shld have stay at home n sleep or something. think i'll self train guitar again then... rose |
0 rose(s) on your door i feel, some ppl, they are so restricted in their own mini world, with their own mini problems. i am one of them. but at least, in my mini world, i think of the bigger world, not just my little small problems that seems to be like a gigantic problem. i'm been mean, but its true, sucks more when i noe i am this type of ppl sometimes. oh well. Tuesday, December 28, 2004 thats what i told myself. my mood suddenly went up. was feeling rather down just now, but things suddenly look better now. partly coz i was recalling the msg send to me, to put a flower before our nick to respect those who had died. maybe of my mood at that time, but i felt it was just superficial. so i told her, i dun think that help much. Put a flower infront of my Msn nick to show my respect? wat kinda of respect is that? are u people really feeling for those ppl out there? if u r, u can still be on msn? get out, raise fund, watever, putting a flower just seem, pretensious to me. sorry sandy, i know u mean well, not making any judgement here abt u, just my opinions coz it really makes no sense to me at all. but recalling her msg makes me feel really silly for getting upset again just now. almost cried again. but suddenly, everything seems really well. i feel that i am really really lucky. while i am blogging here, how many ppl is out there searching for their loved ones, how many praying out there for peace to come, how many ppl stranded out there, homeless n cold. injured n in pain. here i am, whining abt my own little problems! that is like so...i dunnoe, childish? wat was i thinking? i am like safe n sound at my home, i dun need to worry abt any scary disaster, abt soldiers marching into my house and taking me away. really, i am so much more better loh. then i get all down n all that, really, shld slap myself. suddenly i feel so happy. haha. bless my mood swings, they really help in moments like this. Not that what i am facing is not important but, i just look at it with a much much wider view. Sunday, December 26, 2004 sometimes, i think no one understand me. i dun blame them. but i wonder why they dun. anyone who wanna find a bitch who dun appreciate free gifts, i'm here. Dennis just now came by, gave me an ericsion handphoe that is to me, v expensive. i wasn't v happy. i din wan him to spend so much on a phone on me! if its a free phone with plans, i will be v v glad to accept, but this phone, its abit too much. He always spend alot on my birthday gifts, so this is birthday present in advanced. My christmas gift? two set of cutie cartoon undergarments and chocolates. weird rite? i mean, i find it really weird to get undergarments for christmas, and somehow, it just feel abit too personal. like, u noe, we are at that stage already, coz i tot, only married couples do that. Well, and where did the gift idea came abt? He called me, ask me wat i wan for christmas. i told him, just anything simple, small, no need to spend alot just on christmas. wat i wan is pratical, useful. And when he ask if its bag or shoes, i said no. i mean, i wan something he comes up with u noe? not always is what i need. i dun wan that anymore, so i tot, let him figure. And gues wat, he ask emily. he always ask emily for ideas on gift. and my dearest sister told him it shld be undergarment. WHAT?!! she told him to get me that? and faithful dennis ask his sister along n went shopping. I'm ok with it already, thou i find it kinda weird for a christmas gift. but i appreciate it thou, coz i noe its not easy for dennis to get such gifts. it needs alot of courageto buy that. except that now his family thinks we are v close, i mean, the mum seem to be suspicious of us. like scared that we mite do something wrong. -_-" Then the phone. emily noes abt it too. i am like. %@$%@#%@!!!! then when dennis gave it to me, i cld not believe it. i ask him to tk it back. he refused. then for the 1 hr he was here, i admit i din treat him v well, like grumbling abt him spending so much, how troublesome i have to transfer the numbers n so on. basically, being a bitch. and i think my mama n emily THINKS i am unappreciative, blah blah blah. ppl already buy the phone, blah blah, so gd then still give him black face..blah. i am like, i dunnoe, if he spend so much on me and i am like damn happy, i dun think thats a gd thing. and i told my mum, if he gives me gd thing, does it means i have to be happy, y dun she sell her daughter? i mean, its not that serious but i was really upset! why cant anyone understand me? Of coz i noe dennis wants to give me the best things, but, cant they see?!!! i dun wan everything to be paid by him. i said that n he jokingly answer, "yah, besides transport fee" Its a joke, yah, but to me, i tk it personally. i mean, i damn well get a part time if i wanna get all this materialistic things, not dennis taking care of everything. from undergarments to phone??? i noe he means well but i just felt abit like a kept women. i dun think normal ppl see in that way, but i think its got to do with the pride or something. i just dun wan things that way. And somehow, i feel as thou emily betrayed me or something. she noes abt this things but she dun say! i told dennis that. but he say emily got tell him i wun accept such an expensive phone. but he still bought it aniwae. he wants me to have something interesting to use n also be able to contact me. so he went with his uncle n got a dunnoe company plan something that was quite cheap. i know.he wants to tk care of things for me, wants to give me things i need, all these i know. and i know i hurt him when i din like the phone. but, i dunnoe, i just dun wan to depend on him for everything. I shld be the one tking care of all these things myself. it just dun seem right to me. maybe to my mum n sis, but no, not me. I am trying to be independant, i wanna do things myself. so i am damn well gonna look for a part time job! I feel guilty that i upset dennis, but i just felt that, he cant tk care of everything for me. i noe, its wat alot of ppl ask for, but i just feel, its not worth it. not worth doing so much. and, the tot of the family noeing everything abt me, i dun have this, i dun have that, even undergarment he is buying for me, i dunnoe how to face the ppl. its as thou, they noe how pathetic i am. everytime dennis shops for something, some ppl will noe. i dun need them to know how pathetic i am. certain things i feel, mite be wat i need, but not wat i want. really sorry dennis. that i am just so hard to please... Saturday, December 25, 2004 haha, just blow a float for nana, the type that ppl lay on swimming pool to relaxe. damn, i tot it was impossible to blow such a thing, its like, blowing many many balloons u noe? and its like, woah.... but we ant find the pump. and coz i scolded her and i noe she wants it badly, i blow it. -_-" its for her lah. and her mum, really, shld act more like a mother! the kid is yours! y is it like u r doind us a favour when u birng her out? i mean, i noe u r pregant but, we must bring downstairs for u to get her, sometimes when she come back, we have to go down to get her. -_-" u give birth to her leh, i noe u got ur difficulties n stuff, but maybe u shld try to change certain things for ur kid. and Darren, her husband, i cant really feel that he like nana leh. his like so cold, i mean, he is always cold, but, even to such a small kid? a judging from the amount of time spend with her, that is reducing. hmmm, i dun think he treat/thinks of her the same way as he did before the marriage. i noe its hard, but i dun get it when ppl, act differently when they get wan they want. u shld only change for the better, not the worse!!!! yah, easy to say. haha~ but still.... its christmas. the exact day. merry christmas. the weathers ig gd, makes me wanna go for a walk n rot on some big fields. but as usual, i tok only. emily is still nto back yet, nana is still with me. haha. but at least she is behaving well, think she is in a sensitive mode. haha. thats gd. for me, hmmm, i dunnope wat mode. just been thinking, before my sleep, during my sleep and after i woke up. ring ring ring, click click click. and this song just keeps going in my head. Spend all your time waiting for that second chance For the break that will make it ok There's always some reason to feel “not good enough” And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction, oh beautiful release Memories seep from my veins They may be empty and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference, escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees In the arms of the Angels, far away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here Friday, December 24, 2004 hmmm, i nap today, but i'm feeling really tired now. my shoulders ache more than yesterday. all i did was go to sch, sleep, go walk awhile, watch tv, wash dishes, and i'm here. sound like alot, but its not for one whole day. tired, tired, tired. but i just dun wanna sleep. dunnoe why, these few days i just dun wanna sleep early. and a few times, i wanna just get wasted, drink or something. hmmm, lucky i am broke, cant buy drinks even if i wan to. and its lie, with my friends all starting to drink, i am curious to find out how drunk feels like. think i really am exhausted, that so weak. so so weak. and i haven do any work. -_-" screw myself. i just dun ahve the mood to do work leh. as in type report and stuff. so sian. production at least feels lively. Sandy mention in her blog that she quite like working with us. haha, we are fun yet tk our work seriously. hmm, sumthing like that? feels happy to hear that, coz we used to be so scattered. come to think of it, it was really quite fun, so much better than full sun in a way. coz pre pro din kill us as badly. its, i feel simplier loh. and simple n nice is a gd start. i just hope i get a bread shop soon. so so desperate man! i dun wanna do it halfway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh yah, gotta look for composer n stuff, shit. my contacts are really limited.... cant really tok much now. my brain just go click,click,click. like, refuse to go in depth or something. i deserve it, brain damage. haha. well. i just woke up from my long nap. think i slep for maybe 3 hrs? but was hard at first coz the construction was really noisy. but i just wanted to sleep. i feel kinda drain. tired is one thing, my low spirit is another. and that adds up. well, woke up at 7 to go hz's place get equiptment, then took turns carrying the light box and pushing the trolley back to sch. Hz was telling me abt his wrap, actually, it really sound v fun. but, i was having headache n all that, so sometimes cant hear him or din reply much. sorry ah, drained. then before going for jap, went to have bf at engineering. the food din taste v nice, but thats another thing, eating more than half of it, i saw an insect. it looks abit long for a cockroach n i dunnoe wat it is. spoil my appetite. 0_0 and i tot after eating i will feel better. was feeling abit sick while walking to class, and puked, i dunnoe if its coz of the insect or i am unwell. sick...haven puke for like...i dunnoe how long. feeling alittle bit hungry now, but, ah, dun feel like eating. have this feeling i mite just puke again. its a big deal k? haha~ usually i cant miss any meals. haha. Jap class is nice, v interesting teacher. its really something diff from the class we r going thru, like, model making, i like. its something else. n i feel like i am in primary sch, struggling with my english. haha, remember i cant even spell "hat" when i was primary 2. so, i am actually quite gd now ok?? going out to buy christmas present later. noe why Saf seem to mind spending christmas alone. coz everyone keep toking abt it, and is like so happy. -_-" i find it, hmmm, i dunnoe, really, is that gd or bad? think i noe y i din noe christmas eve is today. i dun have any gatherings. haha~ maybe friends all really spliting. got their own life as everyone start to grow up. i mean own life as in bf/gf such stuff. finally heard from dennis today. he din contact me for the past few days. i cant remember how many days? but maybe just 4? seriously, i cant remember, just felt long. no phone calls, think coz he noe i was on shoot. but i feel, well, u can still contact me if u wan to. but think coz i was on shoot, he noe i cant really tok. but still... so i msg him thru the net last nite, asking him y he dun attempt to contact me at all. so after jap when i call home, emily told me dennis called me a few times. so i all him back, he explain himself, but i din feel any better. shit, getting low spirit again. -_-" think not enuff rest makes me a lousy person. N, strangely, think too much.. i almost cried just now, haha. funy, think i am too tired or something. but some things, i just dun get it. maybe i will nv get it. i dunnoe why ppl torture themselves, ever so often. why? is life so painful? is life really so fragile. i hate to think that way. Life is so precious, Time is so precious. i'm like wasting my life now, but i hope to make a change. i believe there is many many gd thing to it, we just have to find it ourselves. and we can only do it ourselves. There is dark circles under my eyes.... hmm, think quite rare, coz usually i get just really big eye bags. but just now, i can see how tired my eyes are. hmm, strange, i just feel that it suits my hair... yes, i am weird...haha. i'm quite tired. really, din sleep much this 2 days. but no regrets, i enjoy it, hardly do that. i mean, i sleep little sometimes, but not coz i am slacking, this time is slack one, so its diff. damn, my shoulders aching. when i am too tired, they ache. used to happen when i do too much housework, so its rare, i dun do too much now. haha~ once in a blue mood. well, today was a wrap for first step. i'll say the day is gd? setting up took quite awhile but was really worth it. was really fun. fighting the power of wind, trying to squeeze on one ladder just to tape the clothes on the ceiling to create "Walls", very interesting, v v fun. thou it gets tiring, but was basically enjoying it alot. hai~ will develop into fond memories. Or, i can do every house scene like that. 0_0 no, that would be too much. haha. the only painful part was creating the smoke, burning so many joss stick really, really hurts the eye. sorry to everyone for hurting ur eyes, and safuan, coz i keep dropping the burnt thingy on ur leg by accident. shit, i'm abit tired to continue. haha~ brain dun wanna work. My mama cooked today, and i'm too full to eat. muz be coz i drink ice lemon tea. i think i'll heat it tmlo to eat ba. thou like missed it, my elder sis came over for dinner n my mum took leave. but its ok lah. haha~ at least mr alex treat pizza. only pity, cannot savour it slowly. i'm really tired. shit, y i keep saying that, like i am psychoing myself that i am tired. haha. hmmm, think tmlo is christmas eve, since everyone is asking abt whther i am going out tmlo. No, i am not. N i dun find anything wrong with it. i mean, y christmas then must go out leh? if u wanna meet, anytime can meet one mah. yah lah, an occasion to ask ppl out. but i'm fine with watever lah. since no gathering, i'll just rot at home or wat loh. only sad thing is have to look after nana. -_-" i seem to be lazy to tk care of her nowadays. maybe bring her go walk walk lah. everytime at home also unhealthy. rite, now i say this, doing it is another thing. hah... just becomes lazy. well, sch really start. have to write reports. so lazy. just dun feel like doing it. i'm really tired. dun wann tok liao. bye bye. Tuesday, December 21, 2004 well, today, hmmm, i think was basically decent? hmmm, i plan to clean up the house in the morning. maybe jog/walk, but i din, wanted to do everything first. then, as i was online, my mum called to say need to prepare tang yuan as offering, n tea n so on. so, off to the market to but pandan leafs. then went off to sch to meet saf. hmmm, din tok much, suppose to, but din. o_o i'm gd at wasting ppl's time. but, i couldn't get things out of my mouth. maybe coz he show me his "drunked" photo, no, that was after that. haah~ well aniwae, i'm on the path to enlightment. i think. so, hmm, we'll see. well, went to bishan to look for presents. din come up with any. well, saw rings that are quite nice, but din buy, in case the party that eeling say, which i think most prob wun happen, happens. then i'll share with emily n buy ba? then was looking for present for rock too, but din get too. -_-" was dizzy after awhile of shopping. Bishan is such a disoriented place, like, walking in maze or something, sucks basically, emily n i got tired n dizzy after awhile. And i was kinda distracted at times aniwae. then later, hz came to let me sign the voucher form, by then i am going home already, need to fetch nana. then reach hm le, watch an hr of tv, do the housework i din complete. so i guess my day was quite fruitful in a way ba? i met vic online today. she n liting is 2 gers i wanted to tok to. but, liting saw her online, she din tok much to me, vic is busy. but still happy to see em online. i realise, i get v happy when i see old friends that i din contact for ages. like, i saw marcus at the lab yesterday. dunnoe y, v happy. haha~ n karyrene too, i see her v often, but, i still get really happy. haha~ i muz be crazy somewhere. but hai, i dunnoe. seem like i am the only v happy one. ;( thats the sad part. Monday, December 20, 2004 Dun really noe what to say, on my way back home, i tot abt alot of things... i dunnoe why i just leave like that. n only after leaving that i realise what i have done. really selfish of me, was only thinking abt myself. shit, feel really lousy. but a part of me noe that i am doing the rite thing, but a part of me just dun feel rite. like, hmmm, ahhhh, dunnoe lah. now i think abt it, i really dunnoe wat also. And partly i was moody, was coz of the treatment i got the whole day in sch. i dun get ppl. they can just casually, so matter-of-factly say things!!!!! i dun mind rumour or watever shit, but remarks just say like that, when i think abt it, i get unhappy. And even my own friend, one i consider shld noe me better, actually say a joke, which i noe he means it. And thou say it like a joke, is what he means. and going to the class, i feel so sandwiched, i just wanna sink into my chair or go somewhere. i wanted to be alone. its not i dun wanna tok to anyone, but there is only one of me, and if the 2 guys is not going tok to each other, whoever i tok to will get the other left out. i understand hz mite be unhappy with Saf, coz of the joke thingy, but, i dunnoe. its really hard to split. v v hard. that i just wanna sink into my chair. n no one understands, no one. they just think that i am unhappy becoz of some stuff. its more then that, i hate that type of feeling. like, u go out with ur sister n bf, then they dun tok, n it feels funny to tok to anyone of em. like, arg, i hate that type. like, v... argh. i dunnoe how to say. but i cant blame anyone lah, the joke die but raudha bring it up n hz got irritated, then Saf thinks i dun wanna tok to him, so basically, its like a cycle. -_-" its ok, i'll just like go to class late or something, late n find a seat elsewhere next time, or go v early so all of us can sit together n dun need to feel that anyone if left out. thats it, this or that. i'm messed up. i noe. but now i feel better, coz i am not thinking so much. actually, i dun even noe why i think so much, its just like, i just cant dun think loh. am i like over-thinking abt things? actually, i think i am really lucky in a way. some ppl dun even get to be troubled over such things, haha~ i dunnoe, is that gd or bad. i dun even noe wat to think now. think i'll give my mind a rest for now. after toking, i feel better already. :) so i dun wanna get bothered by things already. For suckers out there: Give me a break... i need to breathe too. |
Cookies♥Life " Just living isn't enough", said the butterfly, "one must also have freedom, sunshine, and a little flower." - Hans Christian Anderson " December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 April 2006 June 2006 July 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 April 2008 July 2008 September 2008 October 2008 February 2009 April 2009 August 2009 September 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 April 2010 July 2010 January 2011 Designer : Chili. x o x o |